This is going to be a pretty candid post and maybe a long one (I am typing as it comes to me, and I am prepared not to filter out anything after I type it down)
So here it goes.
I would describe myself as a decently ambitious person who always has had dreams and goals and ambitions. Right from the time I was a kid I always worked towards certain plans in my life, and honestly have led a pretty busy life overall. I love to succeed, I love to accomplish things. And I love to inspire others.
I love to be strong. And fearless. And determined.
But sometimes we get weak temporarily.
And that is okay.
I don’t really know whether that happens with everyone, but I feel like its common human behaviour to share with people things we have achieved, while hide our failures. We definitely have sometimes where we want to hide our success too, which could be a result of not wanting to be in the limelight, or sometimes just that success can get daunting too at times so we want to keep it in the low as much as possible.
I suffered a heartbreak last year. I was supposed to leave for the US that time. I felt grief. I think my mind went into a slight state of shock, not being able to comprehend what exactly happened and what I am supposed to do next. The ambitious little girl inside me had planned a huge list of things to do and goals to achieve once I reached there.
And as strong as I thought I was as a person, I was vividly aware that it was affecting my body, my mind and all of it. It has taken me around a year to accept and admit to myself that I just needed to give myself that time to heal.
I thought I was healing. When I realised suddenly that everyone was just very concerned about me. And my friends started telling me that a lot of people were gossiping about me. I had people who specifically told me not to talk about this because people will “think” I am weak and will try to weaken me even more. Usually I am very used to hearing things said about me (funnily anyone who gossips with anyone else about me, there is always someone in that group who knows me well enough to tell me about the gossip :P). But this time, I knew I was hurt and weak. And I needed my time to heal.
Now I was in a weird state where I had just got back from my Mumbai stint with DID and now everyone was telling me that I was supposed to “encash” on the fame. I have messages of not-so-close acquaintances who personally messaged me and would say things like “Look at the other contestants, they are using the name and doing so much, this is your time, why are you not doing as much?”
I would honestly have no strength to explain things like I need my time to heal. I would feel even weaker at those moments. And honestly, even in my weakest times, I never doubted my talent nor my skills. But I was aware that I was wounded and needed my time to heal and could not wake myself up even if I wanted to.
My sleep went for a toss in the process. I think it was a combination of Mumbai night shoots and rehearsal and the heartbreak that completely made my system upside down.
I found it hard to sleep. I normally read a book or played some hypnosis tape to be able to sleep, and after an hour or so I would fall asleep.
I almost stopped making Youtube videos, or blogging. Well, I made a couple of Youtube videos and uploaded them, but my self-esteem had taken a bit of temporary toss, so anything I made, I was never happy with. And it still lies in my channel like a private video till date.
I have been fighting my own instinct of realising I am not feeling all that strong, but I hate accepting that I can ever be weak. But then the lack of acceptance is making me feel stuck. And stagnant. All of us go through phases where we feel completely unmotivated, and unexcited about a lot of things we need to do.
And only if you finally accept that you are weak at the moment, can you get the strength to get yourself up and put yourself back on the running track where you left yourself before.
The most important thing I learned in this year is that
It is always a phase. And remember, phases don’t last forever.
Do I want to call myself weak? Of course not. Am I vulnerable? Yes. We all are at different times. But its our vulnerability that is our greatest strength.
I took a couple of months, meditated a lot, ate good food, took care of my body, read a lot of books in the process, travelled to a lot of places and slowly started healing.
I wrote a journal almost daily, and I still do it till date. It helped me regain my self worth a lot. I also met a counsellor, a psychologist, during the time I was completely in a state of shock, and she helped me talk my inner grief through.
That is when I also learned that counselling can be the best help you can get. And counselling does not make you a “crazy” person. It in fact helps you from preventing yourself from becoming crazy with pent-up grief.
I look back at what happened last year, and now I just smile. I smile because I slowly realised that self love was more important than anything. And I realise that all that was a part of the bigger picture. It was almost as if it was fit into my jigsaw puzzle of my life. And the bigger picture is not bad. It is pretty darn amazing in fact.
So what if I was the little kid tripped while running her marathon and bruised her knee, she wants to be the kid that wakes up, brushes the mud and blood off her bruised knee, and resume the race and finish like she has never run in her life before. This kid does not give up!!!
Usually I write posts which can help inspire people who are reading this. Something which helps motivate people to become better versions of themselves. But today I did not want to do that. I wanted to be vulnerable. Surprisingly, I feel strong as I type each word down. I feel more positive, and alive and self loving again.
I feel fearless all over again. Fearless to accept situations. Fearless to embrace it. And fearless to face my own fears with it. Also fearless to write this down, even though I might be a couple of months late into the post.
I did get a lot of good things this year, which I am realising only right now as I am jotting it all down.
- I had a some really amazing vacations this year, something which I never took the time out to do. In fact some of them ended up being sponsored by event companies since I was doing maybe a performance or a workshop in that particular city. I managed to see a couple of cities in Thailand, a few places in India like White Sands of Kachchh, Rishikesh and Haridwar, Muzaffarpur, Hampi, Hyderabad, Mumbai and hoping for at least four more holidays before this year finishes.
- I restored my faith in the idea of love. And love not just for a partner, but compassion and kindness and humanity for everyone around. It makes the world a better place and DEFINITELY makes you feel amazing.
- I became a proud aunt. My best friend Aditi Manja gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and the feeling of seeing a newborn that beautiful was the most beautiful feeling.
- I learnt that I can become anxious sometimes and get cranky at people for the wrong reasons. And I started accepting that. I never accepted that before. I usually always felt it was the other person’s fault. I was able to learn to look inside myself. It takes time and I am slowly learning to cope with it by calming myself down. But the admittance was the biggest achievement. At least now I know what I am doing wrong when I am losing my temper and trying to strike mental flags to keep a check.
- I feel much more fearless about what other people might “think” of me. I now feel much more free about going about whatever I wish to do, without doing things just to meet people’s expectations.
- I feel the highest degree of self love that I have ever felt before in my life. I can feel that self love for me is the highest degree of love one can have. And you can love people and family and friends around only when you have enough love for yourself first.
- I got into this amazing habit of reading that never happened before. I wouldn’t say I was a complete non-reader, but my reading would be very erratic and I would always leave a book half finished. This time every book that I have picked up has been finished end to end and I have been left feeling inspired every single time.
So yes, all of us have times of grief and setbacks. Maybe losing a job, losing a loved one, failing in a business. Anything.
And honestly mine is not even the worst setback one can have. So for anyone reading this, who has had any kind of setback before in their life, or having it now, I am there for you in spirit. And you can remember that even the best of people get wounded at times, and being wounded can give you some surprising light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember this is a phase. It is always a phase. As long as you know that you will be okay.
To a bright, happy, starry eyed present and an absolutely fearless future, it is time for us cuddle. Cuddle our inner souls like a kid holding a rag doll, and holding on to it tight. And not hurry. But just cuddle till you are happy.
We all will be okay.
We can’t not be okay, right ? 🙂
This song is for all of us in need for a little bit of reassurance from time to time.
I know that it is considered taboo to talk about setbacks we have had in life, because society has taught us only to talk about achievements. But if you are reading this, and are in need of a friend to talk to, you can mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I could be the friend that listens. I am even okay to speak over the phone if necessary. But basically just letting you know that if you are reading this, you have someone to talk to , if you ever need me 🙂
P.S : The title of this blog is a line taken from one of my favourite songs.